Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

I came upon this in the Literature Critique thread, so I hope you don't mind me commenting. Please ignore the star rating. :)

I think you've created a really interesting world here! I'd definitely like to read more to see what else you've imagined. The rivalry between the White and the Red sort of reminds me of the cards in Alice in Wonderland. :D

I have some suggestions for improving the piece -- some of them are nitpicky grammatical things (because I am crazy :lol:), and some of them are more developmental:

- In the first sentence, I think you're missing a "he" in "but if could wish for something" etc.

- "it's flame" should read as "its."

- "Their grip tighten around his wrist": should be "tightens."

- "Their powder white uniform": should be "uniforms."

- In that same sentence, I'm not sure what you mean by "purelessly," since it suggests they're not pure, and yet they're white, which is usually a pure color? I think there might be a better way to get at what you're saying.

- "the buttons reflecting the high noon sun also evilly": I don't think you need to tell us that these people are evil. I definitely already get that sense from the bits before where you tell us that they're glaring, which already suggests something sinister is going on with them.

- "guards surrounded his busily clicking chains around his feet" etc.: I think this might be clearer if you said something like, "guards surrounded his feet, hands, and finally his neck with busily clicking chains."

- "He has spill the blood": should be "spilled."

- "He tilted his head": "He" should be lowercase, "he."

- "he been to shutter incomprehensibly": I think you might have meant "he began to shudder uncontrollably?" "Incomprehensively" suggests that people don't know why he's shaking, but I think we do, because getting your wings shattered sounds awful!

- "screamed as the scrambled": should be "they."

- "It took five man on each side": should be "men."

- I got a little confused at the transition between talking about the prisoner at the beginning, and then talking about the executioner once the prisoner is thrown onto the platform, probably because both are "he." I think there might be a way to make that a bit clearer.

- You use a lot of adverbs throughout, like "angrily" and "sparingly." I think it would be better if instead of using so many adverbs, you provided concrete images instead, because that allows the reader to visualize the scene even better. Think of it a bit like poetry -- what would be a good metaphor to show that the feathers were falling sparingly? Like snow flurries? Or petals? Or something less cliche than my suggestions, those are just off the top of my head.

- At the end, we know the prisoner is undergoing something horrible. The crunching is gruesome, but I'd like to see more of why it's so horrible. Does it hurt a lot? What does it take away from the character -- his honor or manhood or something? Things like that.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you! I'd really love to see you expand on this piece if you decide to revisit it. :)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


AnemoneInTheSky Dec 24, 2012  Student Writer
You're suggestions have helped a lot! Usually when I read my own it's hard to proofread since I already know what I was saying/visualizing. I'll go edit the grammar problems right now!
No problem at all! I'm glad I was helpful. :aww:
Add a Comment: